Not the First Time
by Angel Gidget
Summary: Ben Skywalker knows that one of his memories has been erased. He knows...because it’s happened before. PostUnseen Queen


**Title:** Not the First Time **Author:** angelgidget aka Christy S. **Rating:** PG **Genre**: Drama, Missing Moment **Setting**: Before and during "The Unseen Queen" **Characters:** Ben Skywalker & Jacen Solo **Summary:** Ben Skywalker knows that one of his memories has been erased. He knows...because it's happened before. **Disclaimer:** It's not stealing if you're not making any money. 

**A/N**: The Unseen Queen has finally inspired me to write again! There are plenty of **_SPOILERS_**, so be warned. Since I would like to generate some more interest in the dynamic duo that is Jacen Solo and Ben Skywalker, I present a CHALLENGE ---

The angelgidget Ben & Jacen challenge!  
Write a fic featuring Jasa and Ben's relationship as master and apprentice. Try to keep it in character. Must contain:  
a) Something about memory loss b) A reference to Ben's red hair c) The word "twilight"  
d) The quote: "Everything I tell you is a lie."

Have fun!

**NOT THE FIRST TIME**

It wasn't the first time. Not by a longshot. A memory was gone; a strand of strung-together thought patters was disconnected. The Force worked in all things, more strongly in some that in others, whether one wanted it or not. A mind granted exacting clarity by the Force had a penchant for recalling things in precise detail. The first sign that something was wrong appeared when a detail refused to be remembered. Then a vague concept would not come through. Finally, there was a barren hole where a memory should be.

Ben Skywalker had found his own barren hole. Though he had not yet entered that twilight between child and adult, he already knew how to search his soul...and something was missing. A lesser child might have felt wronged or violated, but Ben merely smiled. Jacen. It was not simply a possibility; it was the only explanation.

His cousin was winding long, slim fingers though unruly red curls. The massage that Ben could feel along his scalp was no friendly ruffling of the hair, but a tactile strengthening of mental shields. Ben knew, in the back of his mind, what it looked like. It appeared that a happy Ben Skywalker was excitedly telling his cousin Jaina all about his camping trip to Endor while his new master, his own cousin Jasa, affectionately patted his head, augmenting the tale. That was what it looked like on the outside.

Inside, it was a battle of the wills. Every circulation of Jacen's arm, every shove of his hand was another mental clamp on his young psyche. But with every slam of the Jedi's will, Ben slammed back. He was already gaining ground. Now that he remembered how Jacen had suppressed the memory, the young force-sensitive was that much closer to getting it back. It was an incredible game. The ultimate rebellion. But the chrono was ticking, and he didn't know how much time was left.

Though Ben would not admit it to himself, he was afraid. He did not know how many times Jacen had toyed with is thoughts, but he knew the last two times he'd undone his cousin's suppressions, there had been grave consequences. He remembered the first time.

It had been night on the planet. Though it was near Killik space, it supposed to be deserted. It was there that Gorog had contacted him again. She wanted him to meet someone. Ben knew that she and his parents were enemies, but he felt so connected to her, like he couldn't let her down...that he agreed. It was when she crawled away that he realized that Jacen had been watching him. The. Whole. Time. Ben felt caught, as though he had been doing something wrong. He also felt angry, as though what he was doing shouldn't be considered wrong in the first place. Jacen had simply glided over to him, placed his palm on his little cousin's forehead, and put him to sleep.

Some hours later, Ben had awakened with no memory of the encounter. It had taken days for him to realize that something was wrong with his memory, and weeks to undo the block. When he finally recovered the recollection, he had been furious with his master. It was too late to meet with Gorog, and without the connection between their minds, she probably believed him to be responsible for his own absence. It was a good thing that Luke and Mara Jade-Skywalker were not there. They would have been mortified to hear all the curses and derogatory heresy that their darling 9-year old had thrown at his cousin. Jacen had simply taken it in stride, and told him that he had no business associating with a Dark Nest anyway. He also told him not to undo his work again. The next time he suppressed something, it might be something very unpleasant that Ben would rather not remember.

As the young Skywalker later discovered, Master Solo had hit it right on the blaster butt. Ben had awoken that morning with a very strange feeling fluttering about his skull. It had a sense of familiarity as well. Like deja vu. Ben had smirked to himself. Now that he felt deja vu, he understood what it was. Previously, when grown-ups had talked about it, he had been completely perplexed as to what they meant. It was a reeaaallly weird feeling. As the child's groggy mind began to clear, the feeling of confusion was replaced with absolute rage. Jacen. Again. Cousin or not, Master or not, approximately two decades older or not, Ben was going to throttle that chuba-kriffing nerf-nexu.

Ben didn't really know what all those words meant, but he knew that they conveyed some very un-Jedi sentiments that he was feeling at the moment. When he finally found his "master" working on the wiring of the ship's navigation panel, he gave him a tongue-lashing to do his mother proud. He then demanded to have the memory back. Jacen refused. Ben threw a tantrum. Jacen used the Force to close his ears. Finally, Ben slammed him into the wall with an infuriated Force-push. A glint appeared in Jacen's eye.

"Give it back! Now!"

"Do it yourself," Jacen answered. "You've done it before."

"I don't remember how!" Ben cried, tears of frustration forming in his blue eyes.

"You used the Force."

"The Force?" Ben wanted to turned away in disgust. He'd wanted nothing to do with the Force, not since he was very little. He hadn't even realized that he'd been using it the last time.

"It is the only way." Jacen answered.

"Alright. How do we begin?"

"We begin by meditating."

"You're joking."

"I dropped that habit shortly after you were born."

They began by meditating. Jacen helped him at first, then allowed Ben to peel back the layers of shielding on his own. It was a long, arduous task, and Ben's rear was getting sore when he realized that he had reached the final barrier. He looked up at his cousin. There was a sadness in Jacen's eyes that Ben had never seen before. Almost a hint of...regret?

"Are you sure you want to do this, Ben?"

The comment was enough to eliminate his hesitation, as he tore down the final trap. Then came the memory. Darkness. Pain. Blood. DEATH!

Ben screamed and clutched his head, scrambling to replace the shields with flimsy things of his own. He threw himself into Jacen's embrace: crying, sobbing, and willing the details to haze, the concepts the fade, the memory to vanish. The images ran on, more vivid than ever, till he felt those long, slim fingers rubbing through his hair, shoving away the unwanted hurt. As the cries died down to muffled sniffs, he heard his cousin's voice floating over his ears.

"I had hoped that your first experience with the Yuzhann Vong would be a more pleasant one...should have kept a better eye on you...won't be so careless again..."

Ben felt sorrowful lips press a gentle kiss on his hair in a rather paternal gesture. There was no 'I told you so'. No 'That's what you get'. Jacen could be rough--infuriating--but he was still Jacen. He was never cruel. Ben allowed his eyes to close in sleep as those lengthy fingers and calloused palms shoved away the disturbing strands.

"If this rebellion between us continues, and you keep using the Force to maintain it, you will eventually become a great Jedi knight."

"Is that your plan...to make me open-minded to the Force?" Ben mumbled in his drowsy state.

"It was my strategy all along."

"Liar. You didn't plan any of this...you're just using it now that it's here."

"Everything I tell you is a lie."

Sealing that bit of wisdom into his brain, Ben Skywalker answered the call of dreams.

**_FIN_**


End file.
